hammock

Today I fell asleep in my hammock.

If you haven't had this opportunity, I highly recommend it. I'm not sure I've ever felt so at peace with myself or the world. The extraordinary thing, though, is that this blissful hour or two would've been impossible without an entirely miserable night.

I'm not sure what it was, but last night I could not sleep. I've always had on and off insomnia, and this was particularly nasty. No matter what I did, I could not get comfortable, and on top of that my mind was racing, refusing to settle down for a mere few moments. Finally, at 3 am, I sat up, turned the lights on, and read for a full hour. I finally decided that my desire for rest outweighed my un-comfortableness, and fell into a not-entirely restful slumber, only to awake a few hours later to begin my day.

No doubt because of the night, my day thus far had been ridden with peculiar headaches and general lack of comfort. Finally, I resolved to come out to the porch and read. I still felt miserable, though, and in the middle of reading laid my Kindle down, took off my glasses, and leaned back. Gradually, like cool air penetrating your core on a hot day, contentment settled over me. Within an hour, I was fast asleep.

The thing is, that initial painful night was necessary to bring about the glorious hammock moment. It's the concept of juxtaposition, something that comes up a lot in English (and art in general): things look and feel different relative to one another. Had my night been relaxing and restful, I probably wouldn't have even fallen asleep in my hammock.

In times like these in life, then, I tend to pray that God is leaving me in a restless night because there's a beautiful, restful day ahead of me. And He wants that moment to be unlike anything I've ever experienced.

on college

Why are you in college?

If it's to make money, then you should know that it will never make you happy and, crucially, you don't need it.

If it's to learn, then there's cheaper ways of doing that. One thing called the internet is (sources tell me) an excellent place to start.

If it's because you want a job with power, then frankly I doubt you're the kind of person who should have power.

If it's because you want to make the world resemble heaven just a little bit more, then apparently I've never met you.

(edit: this is the start of significantly shorter posts. for a while, anyways.)

on loss

the tourist,

I understand.

Maybe you were once like I was. Connected, part of something, feeling fully within something better than yourself. And it felt good. Better than just good, it felt...purposeful. Meaningful. It gave you inspiration for life. You loved it, and it loved you. And all was well. Ignorant? Perhaps. But blissful.

What happened to yours?

Are you like me - left with not one soul to blame? Not even yourself, though you've tried over and over again? It makes it kind of worse, doesn't it?

You almost wish that the thing you loved cursed you away because then you could convince yourself it was evil or bad or wrong. You could have someone to blame. But you can't, because right up to the end it was perfect. In the end, it was perfect.

And once it was over, you felt alone.

That's where I am. And where you were.

And you looked around, and decided to never make the same mistake again. To never fall for that deception of love again because love only ever ends in hurt.

Logical. I understand.

Because you can't convince yourself that all that good that you felt, and the meaning that was there, that all of that was worth what you felt once it ended.

So you relegated yourself to a life on the fringe. Never connecting, at least not more than you could manage. Staying firmly foreign to everything and everyone you met. Alien.

A tourist. Speeding through life with no care in the world.

And at this moment, when all I want to do is follow in your footsteps, I can only think to beg of you this one thing:

slow down.

Because I have to believe there's more. I know there's something more to which I can assign my existence meaning. Something which told me it has plans for me, to help and not hurt me.

I almost wish it wasn't true. It'd be so much easier to just stop caring.

But I can't. I won't.

I have to wade through my life, because I want to connect. I want to mean something. I can't let myself follow you.

sincerely,

the unwilling citizen

on civilized discussion

I started writing a new post about one of my favorite pieces of literature ever, Hamlet, but I decided against it. I'm sure you guys will read those thoughts sometime, but they're not for now. For now, I wanted to say a thing or two about my own struggles and conflicts, particularly with war.

My cheery friends and ever hilarious parents would probably at this point (were this a real conversation) point out that, to them, I don't have any "struggles" with my opinion on war: it's wrong, and I don't think twice on that. But this gets to something that lately has been bugging me, ever since I got into a completely unrelated argument with a good friend of mine.

We were talking about the beginning of the world (you know, usual coffee-shop banter), and whether we interpreted Genesis One as literal or figurative. My friend made a few notes, greatly hinting towards what he believed on the subject, but ultimately refused to define his actual standpoint. This, rather tellingly, frustrated me.

"You have to have a perspective, Taylor".

"Well, I do have one, I just see a lot of people around me who rush into ideas or beliefs without taking the time to think about and understand them."

Taylor, as much as I hate to admit it, is completely right (not that I begrudge the truthiness of his statement, just that I begrudge admitting he made a true statement). But, his application of this truth is different than mine, for this one crucial point: I believe the best way to understand an argument is to defend it.

In fact, when I get married and have children, I'm going to have an eternal rule in my household. At any point in time, during any argument, either party can say "Switch", and the two have to momentarily switch sides of the argument. The idea is that, having to defend something as your own belief, you will gain appreciation for what the person is trying to say. It won't (and shouldn't necessarily) always make you change your opinion, but (especially in heated arguments), it brings a level-headed demeanor to the whole thing. And it's a practice I strive for all the time (sometimes without thinking about it).

You see, once I hear a point of view, I try to reason it as my own belief which I am defending - abortion, homosexuality, warfare, politics, religion...as much as we hate to admit it, there are always two sides to every argument. Unwillingness to consider the other side means either you've never been taught to do that, or you're subtly afraid that your argument won't hold up as good as you think it does once you're the one probing it. Because you know exactly where to probe your own positions, because you defend them. You understand them.

This all comes back to my opinion on warfare, and everything else for that matter. People tell me I'm strong-headed, and immediately take sides in any discussion. That's true, but I never do it out of instant conviction or belief: I do it because I know it's the best way to hold an intelligent discussion on the subject, and more importantly the best way to understand whatever the position is. So with the warfare discussion, I am (honestly) constantly reasoning out the other perspective, considering it deeply and trying to defend it against my own inquiries. So far, it doesn't usually hold up, but occasionally it'll help me think of something I didn't before, which I can then pray about, consider, talk to my people more mature than I, and eventually come to a conclusion. Sometimes that conclusion means changing my belief just a little bit, or maybe even changing it a lot. More than once I've thought I would have to change my belief, but talking to my dad I realized that the point didn't actually mean anything.

So, to all you who call me "argumentative", this is why. Because argument ("discussion", if we're being polite) is the best way I know of to gain a logical and realistic opinion on any subject, and understanding the other side seems to be a talent our culture has lost.

life moves forward

Sitting down to right this, it strikes me that I have no idea what to write about. Writing, for me anyways, is never what I would call a "voluntary" exercise. When you have something to write,there's nothing that can stop you from writing. It just happens. When I feel motivated to communicate some idea, either because I've thought of a great way to do that or it's just important to me, writing is easy. It flows. I don't even have to think about.

Otherwise, it's like forcing yourself to love someone. Which, while possible (see: siblings), is very difficult. And being lazy, I won't attempt it.

So I'm going to start a little series of writing about something I really want to write about: art. Specifically, art that has somehow deeply affected me over my life. Lying in bed last night, thinking desperately about what aspect of my life I want to flesh out for this blog, it occurred to me how much certain pieces of art have changed or altered my perception of the world, and I'd like to share them. Starting with...

Spirited Away

Hiyao Miyazaki is, as far as I'm concerned, a total genius. And in many ways far exceeding his western animation counterparts in terms of depth, style, and substance. This movie in particular, for me, was so affecting, that to this day I can remember when I first watched it.

I was sitting at home, it was raining I believe, and I was flipping around the movie channels looking for something good to watch. I saw that Spirited Away was about to start and, having a bit of an unexplored affinity for quality anime, thought I might give it a shot. My thought-process reaction to the film is shortened and transcribed as follows.

Well, this is really interesting. Kinda slow...it looks pretty though. Man, this girl is kind of a brat.

Old amusement park...creepy.

Wha...what? Okay, so...why do the parents keep eating? I guess that's...HOLY CRAP THEY'RE PIGS HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

What's going on here? Where is she?

...

Sen is kind of annoying, but Haku...that kid's awesome.

...

*small tear in the eye as they fly away*

...

That was...

...fantastic. And the film stuck with me...I couldn't stop thinking about it. So many brilliant aspects of it, so many themes which surprised me, because they're things that the western animation shies away from.

Most telling for me, and a common theme for Miyazaki, is the lack of any clear "bad guy". Any evil character is revealed by the end to be misunderstood, cursed, or just weird. The plot moves forward with a shifting antagonist, until you realize that the antagonist is Chihiro's own issues. Her own insecurity and selfishness are what is holding her back, and not until she conquers those does she finally get to leave, though in the end she doesn't necessarily want to. That's part of her maturity.

Further, the film banks on this entire notion of growing up, part of which is acceptance. This idea that, as an adult, we need to accept things we don't like, and just work through them anyways. It sounds simple, but it is so beautifully played out that it resonates deeply with the viewer: Chihiro must accept her circumstance in order to move forward. And in moving forward, help herself, and help everyone around her.

Other things come into play, of course: Miyazaki's wonderful obsession with flight, environmental concerns, even a bit of pacifism here and there (I only let that bias me towards him a little). All in all, a stunning piece of art.

But what did it mean for me, in my life?

Good art does one of two things: it either affects how you live, or comments on how you're living. Great art does both.

Spirited Away made me realize that life is a progression - we're not merely sitting in one place, standing still in a thundering river. We're flowing forward, whether we want to or not, and on some level we have to accept that. It's the transition to adult-hood. It's also something the Bible speaks on (see Ecclesiastes 1:1-11) - we're quickly fading. We're a speck in life, and the sun will rise and the sun will set (never a miscommunication...you can't explain that*), regardless of who we are or what we do. Life moves forward without us, so we had better learn to be ready for it.

That's just one of countless things to get out of this movie. Obviously I highly recommend it.

Next Time: Watchmen? Or maybe Hamlet? Tune in to find out!

*Lol, Bill O' Reilly.

when we were just kids

As at least two people have informed me, the blog has not been updated in a month as of today! I apologize for not updating more, and while I could cite something like "school" or "band practice" or "xbox" or something, I'll just say "sorry" and leave it at that. Hopefully updates will roll out more often (I can now to some degree sympathise with webcomics who not only must write and draw the strip, but if they fail to update it on a strict schedule the masses cry for blood).

*note: if you aren't already, read xkcd.

Arcade Fire is probably one of my favorite bands ever, and certainly one of the best bands to arrive in the past ten years. My opinion is heavily biased, though, in part because Arcade Fire's music is unbelievably relatable to where I am now in life, and particularly to a subject I've been thinking a lot about lately. Here's some lyrics to ponder:

"And since there's no on that's around, we let our hair grow long, and forget all we used to know - then our skin gets thicker from digging out in the snow."

"Then we think of our parents, well what the hell ever happened to them?"

"Ice has covered up my parents hands, don't have any dreams, don't have any plans. Growin' up in some strange storm, nobody's cold, nobody's warm."

"'cause nothin's hid, from us kids! You ain't foolin' nobody, with the lights out."

"But now that I'm older, my heart's colder, and I can see that it's a lie."

Okay, I guess that's enough. (those are all from Funeral, btw, an excellent album)

There's a lot of themes in Arcade Fire's lyrics that are hitting me right now, firstly "confusion".

There's this constant idea of how things aren't really clear. Nobody is cold, but nobody is warm. We've been told our whole lives to follow our dreams, to make a plan, but we don't have either of those. And it can feel like the world is incompatible with who we are.

Then there's this idea of our parents are gone - right now, that's literally true. Obviously I still have my parents, and they love me and I love them (blah blah blah...), but I'm without them for the first time. It's not "bad", but it's not "good".

It's all about "growing up", or whatever that means.

It's like I was telling my best friend Taylor the other day: obviously we're not kids anymore, no longer children, but we don't feel like adults. We don't feel like we're part of that group yet - and in a very strong way, I don't feel like I want to be part of that group.

(this is moving from "group opinion" to "jon opinion" now)

The difference between us and children are that children are told what to do and what to believe, and they have no means (or reason, for that matter) to disagree. We are not the same: we think, and reason, and I can't help but reason that a lot of the stuff I've been fed by adults growing up is a load of crap. I don't think money is my ultimate goal in life. I don't think (or want to think) that the authorities are always right, that it's better to be stable than rock the boat. While I do think the Bible is completely truth, I refuse to believe all truth is in the Bible. There is truth outside of it, in other places, sometimes places no "adult" will look because it's too different from them, from what they've known.

So I'm not an adult either.

Sometimes it feels like they've been telling us our whole lives to think for ourselves and be ourselves and all this and now that we are it only helps us realize that they weren't necessarily always honest, or right. That this world isn't corrupt because of some other faceless entity, whether that be the devil or communism or muslims (all of which I believe exist, btw). The world is corrupt because we, people, are corrupt in it. Because people are selfish, and they want power above anything else. That's why capitalism is failing, and it's the same reason why communism failed, and theocracies fail, and everything in this world fails.

Because people want power.

And we've been told that we need to stake out our fair share of power. And at the same time, we're told that we should do what Jesus wants. And you know what? Those seem incompatible to me.

So I'm going to relinquish my right to power. My right to money. My right to all these things I've been told I need when in reality they're the things that will destroy me.

Obviously, that's easier said than done, because in reality I like all those things. A lot. So this will be a process.

I really do want feedback on this: is this just me being stupid college student? Or do any of you feel the same?

(thanks for reading, thanks x 2 if you comment)

life is God

Life is more than a series of choices. Life is more than change, or the pursuit of happiness or any other thing inspirational speakers and founding fathers can think of. Life is really, really deep. There's a lot to it, more than anyone can summarize in one word or a paragraph or even a book.

Didn't it always seem shallow or mildly depressing whenever someone said "Life is basically (fill in the blank)"? Especially those "life is all the little things" statements, when someone rattles off all the boring things they do all the time, like "chocolate, television, watching the game with a friend, driving your kids to work, beauty and art, sex, music, having the first cup of coffe in the morning, dance..." You get the idea.

Why do so many people have so many different ideas of what life is? Are they all wrong?

What if they're all incomplete?

What if everyone is hinting at something far, far, greater?

Let's imagine, for a moment, that life is something no one can understand, because it's just too big to encompass anything we've ever conceived. Let's call this bigness "Biggie".

Now, Biggie is the ideal way to live life. By that I mean, people who know of and aim for Biggie incorporate all the things listed up there into their lives plus way, way more. The problem is that other people get hung up on individual aspects of Biggie, and mistake those things for Biggie itself. So they'll life a "good" life, but ultimately it will be incomplete, because they are incorporating only one or two parts of Biggie.

Could you imagine if Biggie were alive? If it had feelings and emotions? How heartbroken it would be if so many people didn't get all of it because they got hung up on part of the whole experience?

That sadness would increase exponentially if Biggie was also our creator. If way back when, Biggie said "There's so much good and huge about me, I want to share it,", and then made all of us. But part of Biggie is freedom and choice, so Biggie gave us choice as well, so we could share his goodness even more profoundly and intimately. But then we decided (collectively), we'd rather life was about us and a few small things than about Biggie and all his bigness.

"Biggie" is God.

One of the saddest things to me is how people misunderstand what and who God is. For FSU, we were required to read (as freshman) a book called "This I Believe...", holding statements of belief from various famous thinkers, philosophers etc. Obviously I completely ignored it, but when we received it I flipped open to a random page and read someone writing, "Not believing in God is how I have room in my life for...", and then they listed a series similar to the one 4 or 5 paragraphs up. That pains me when I read it, because somewhere (quite possibly Christians), that person got the impression that those things exist outside of God, when they are actually part of the bigness that God is.

Living God means living all of those, and even more and bigger and better things yet.

Something to keep in my mind as you start living life in this New Year!